• iLady


Updated: Oct 10, 2020

Well y’all, it has been a hot minute. My mental health has been in the gutter lately, and when that happens, there’s isn’t much chance of me summoning any creativity out of my brain. It’s just a daily cycle of work, school, gym, sleep, repeat. I’m lucky if I even manage to fit any phone calls with friends in there. When things are busy and stressful, I tend to just cocoon myself in my room and say peace out to the rest of the world. So that’s where I’ve been. Wrapped up in my blankets looking out my bedroom window at the lake listening to songs I listened to during more exciting times. My “Summer in Berlin” playlist has been on repeat the most. Life is chaos lately! I never got a stimulus check (despite being qualified for one) and the FAFSA system is rigged beyond belief, so for the month of October I’m working almost every day in an effort to make enough to pay my tuition. Midterms are at the end of the month, and being a full time employee while simultaneously being a full time student just makes for me being full time overwhelmed, and leaves me barely writing or creating anything that isn’t work or school related. Not to mention being a full time empath living in a full time pandemic and a full time civil rights movement, on top of the leaders of this country being absolutely useless in the face of any of this. I’m only in Math with Business Applications this semester, but even I can calculate that all those full time things leave me with negative time or space left over for myself.

So because of this, in a last desperate flailing attempt at self care, I let some things rest when I have to kick it into high gear and get shit done. Sadly for me, that means this blog, my art, and any projects I’m working on get left in the dust, or at least take a long nap. Everyone will tell you that art and projects in times of stress are especially important, but honestly, I just simply can’t afford to do anything right now that isn’t making money, and that’s just the sad truth of living in a capitalist society where college is viewed as a necessity but priced as a luxury. Oh well. It sucks, and I’m currently writing this while clocked into work because it’s the only time I sit still enough to actually write anything, but whatever. This month will end, and tuition will be paid, and I’ll be exhausted but I’ll be proud of myself for getting it together enough to afford my life, college included. So, yeah. That’s why I haven’t written on here in I-don’t-even-want-to-check-how-long. Writing this update is me forgiving myself. It’s 2020, nothing is promised. If you didn’t know that already, you are probably reading the wrong blog.

I’m sure if you’re reading this you know me well enough to know that I am well aware that it could be worse. However, that’s stupid logic. That’s the same as walking up to someone who’s happy about something and saying, “Hey, it could be better though!” Am I privileged in the fact that I can even be in college, live in a safe area, have my own car, my own place, etc, etc? Obviously, yes! Am I least aware of this? Again, yes! Everything is relative and I am stressed to the extreme about life right now while also knowing others have it much worse than me. Duality exists! Besides, if you come to this blog to judge, go ahead and unsubscribe and learn to love yourself. Negativity towards others ain’t cute boo boo.

P.S Here's some cool art my friend and colleague made for me! Enjoy. More of her brilliant collage work on Instagram @jaundy_brunswick

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